the waiting season.

today I committed to this blog, and even a platform upgrade, for another year. because what else might I need that $65 dollars for?! but there was a black Friday discount and I couldn’t resist the urge to further customize this dear diary outlet of mine. especially when I just rsvp’d to my first blogger event. (shout out to Honeyteller Blog and The Gem City Mama)

to be honest, I still haven’t figured out what I want my voice to sound like here or even who I think I’m talking to when I write these posts. my attempts at blogging are a bit scattered so far. all I know is that I made a goal to share and am attempting be a person out there achieving goals, despite being busy or uncomfortable or potentially failing. part of the lesson has been sitting still and believing that I have something to say that will resonate; part of the lesson was allowing myself to say the things that will resonate even when they are hard things. more so, learning to use my voice with ardor and compassion because I worked really hard to love the place it is coming from.

most of the time I send these posts out in the universe and pretend that no one reads them at all. I use them like an echo of growth. what have I learned about myself in this process?

so far this year, as a blogger, I have learned the following things about myself: I use way too many commas but will never stop using the Oxford comma, forcing myself to write consistently or on schedule makes me cringe, and I feel pretty alright talking about being a mom but still feel very protective when talking personally about my little humans. it’s important to me to find a balance between openness and privacy when sharing here. and I will always struggle with letting go of caring about how I am perceived. perception does little to change who I am these days, but the more cultivated view to spectators gives me a freedom to share only what I choose while remaining authentic. a bit of a shield, I’d say. without it, anxiety becomes a very real thing. not sure if any other bloggers out there feel this way. not sure it matters. but after year one I’m grateful for not feeling exposed or raw in order to gain an audience, I just feel lighter. maybe the real goal wasn’t to start a blog, it was just to share the things I love as well as the pain points of mental health and how I navigate motherhood with simple and faithful intentions. because that’s my every day life. it was hard to get those all into a cohesive theme. I ultimately gave up trying and only wrote when I felt like it. the weeks that I spent creating in the kitchen, you got recipes. if I was writing poetry and metaphors, there’s a page for that. and the blog itself was a catch all for the facets of myself. I’ve learned to like their randomness instead of feeling lost without a visible direction. shame on me for spending so long making myself small. but here we are, proving that you can be loud and remain gentle and live to blog about it.

with six weeks left of  2018, we are filled with anticipation for the holidays and simultaneously setting our intentions for next year. the little humans and I will sit down with real paper and a pencil to reflect on what we accomplished so far and what we plan to do in the future.  as a whole, most of what we set out as a family to make happen, happened. we travelled to five new states (14 states total), I quit biting my nails, the kids each found a after school “sport”, and we got a brand new car. there are a few personal goals that weren’t quite checked off the list and a couple plans still to be made that will carry over. of course, there are also this year’s lessons to turn into practice, adventures to map out, and new achievements to be made. we weren’t without the road blocks along the way and they weren’t any less painful, my nana passed away and there’s an upcoming surgery for my littlest, but we are getting through them together. with grace & in the pursuit of joyfulness, our words of the year. it seems silly but picking our word(s) of the year has always been pretty easy and something I look forward to. it sets the tone for how we want to approach this simple little life of ours. and it’s remarkable how they manifest themselves in the world around me. book titles, signs in shops, bible passages, and conversations. they feel serendipitous. they proved to be something I was meant to acknowledge not to seek out which was a breath of fresh air compared to years prior where I was always left reaching. so, I am embracing the sitting still. the wide-eyes. the open heart. the setting of intentions. as soon as we choose our word for 2019, y’all will be the first to know.

here’s to hoping the end of the year is vibrant and reflective; also, full of family and moving slow through the good stuff. the advent season is, after all, learning to find joy in the waiting.