1001 words.

summertime is always a little crazy. especially now that I’m working from home and have become a human taxi to three preteens. but there’s been a whole lot going on over here all over the map and it’s update time!

let’s start on a lighter note… mom life.

i’m pretty much devastated that my son will be 14 on Saturday. he has a mustache and the beginning signs of a very dude-like goatee. he works out a lot and started football this summer. he’s now taller than his dad, weighs 175 pounds, and wears a size 11 shoe. not much is recognizable about my sweet baby boy other than his sensitive heart and cleft chin, that I adore. time is a weird thing. most of the years went too fast. and I have one year left before he’s a high schooler. ugh. pray for my mama soul because these teen years are no joke.

the middle little, who’s now 12 going on 22, is headed out this sunday to the west coast for two whole weeks to visit her cousin in LA. she’s going to be flying home entirely by herself. she’s excited for the freedom and I am utterly terrified. but also amazed by her unabashed bravery & sense of adventure. our house will be so quiet without her here!

and cookie… my darling girl. we had a check up today and things seem to be going better with her glaucoma. for now, at least. we take the little victories and try not to stress about what’s ahead. her spirit is unwavering. she shows me how to find joy in everything and I can honestly say she’s been the greatest teacher of my life. storms ain’t got nothing on this girl.

but, we ask for continued prayers of good health and comfort and resilience ❤

with that good stuff comes the harder stuff. the stuff I am used to sharing but rarely feel I scratch the surface of. I have to tell you all that I am a machine body but a very human heart and all this growing takes it’s toll. last month I started antidepressants and began therapy after a few months of no sleep, missed periods from stress, losing weight, and being an emotional disaster. it was a huge leap for me. though I talk about mental health a lot, I was still a victim of the stigma. then it became clear that I had no choice but to ask for help. bless the friends in my life who stood up to my walls, leaped over them, and reminded me that I was worth it. even if they aren’t sticking around I’ll be rooting for them from afar because I’m grateful. and whoa, this medicated thing is like putting on glasses for the first time. the machine and human of me working in closer rhythm. it’s still noisy inside but there are moments of pure quiet now. like I can finally step into the person I always swore I was before creating the bullshit meant to help me deal with the bullshit. it’s not perfect. I still struggle to think before reacting. I still get anxious. I am still a stranger to parts of myself I am desperate to meet. I now know that I will get there someday. because I want to. because I can.

I am also about to conquer day 100 of my fitness program. the longest I’ve ever really stuck with anything. hi, i’m a procrastinating commitment-phobe with an affinity for justifying quitting. this has been a self care requirement though. to touch, stretch, build, and challenge my body. to treat it with respect. to feed it without guilt even though I still struggle with my need to be in control of it. the results are ones I’m pretty happy with. comfort and strength was my goal and I’m almost there. this will be the summer of short shorts and bikinis without shame. cellulite and stretch marks be damned. now, I know it’s hard to come from an eating disorder past and still proclaim my program to be the best way to stay recovering. some days are gentler than others. I have to talk myself down from old behaviors occasionally.  I’m not a doctor but I have consulted mine and I think we are on a good path for now. I can also report that my recent bloodwork says I’m healthier than ever.

lastly, the aforementioned human heart. break ups are rough y’all. no details other than it’s a daily chore to stay above it. talking/writing about it at all was something I wasn’t sure I’d do. but truth is, I was wrecked by the kind of ending that made me realize I never really knew that person. maybe I never tried that hard to and I for sure didn’t do a great job of being a partner. I wasn’t as good to myself as I thought I could be either. so, I shared some random quotes on insta, posted all the songs with lyrics better than any poetry I could write, and dug deep into what this loss had to offer me. during that season of life, it was the lesson I needed and it will take a long time to put the learning into practice. I’ve read the article about knowing if you’re the toxic person a million times and I’ll keep reading it. the rearview is a little cringe worthy to be honest. I can only focus on how to change that cycle, no matter how I was treated.  and now that I have distance from it, and a fair amount of healing, I just pray for their happiness and mine. that simple. sounds cliché and there are moments that clarity and compassion is hard to reach, but I really do mean it. and dating, like proper dating, has been a crazy new adventure. a very intentional one. it’s light and joyful and I’m feeling good about it.

so, there’s the update. from me, eliot, the forever over-sharer.

 

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