I’ve been clinging to a lot of things to get me through lately. this warmer weather is helping and being outside is instant happiness. my garden… that’s my spot. last week, I spent two whole days outside sowing seeds, building a greenhouse, and labeling the pots in my best handwriting so that everything felt perfect. it was the closest to having good days I’d gotten in a month. I was so proud of what I’d put together.
this morning a quick storm blew in, literally, and I said outloud, “ugh, I love a good spring storm.” it’s calm rush but intentional way of making it’s presence known.
then. a loud thud. I felt it.
my greenhouse, all five feet of it, with bricks and heavy bags of soil on the bottom shelf, toppled to the ground. the deck is covered in soil. every single pot on it’s side. the beginning is also the end of my sweet little garden.
some of the seeds were quite expensive and with what I’ve invested in the garden this year, I will probably not be able to replace everything. two days work, two days of happiness, gone in a moment. devastated is a dramatic but accurate phrasing for my feelings.
definitely had a deep, hearty cry about it. might cry about it again (several times). definitely a little angry that my work to make sure this didn’t happen wasn’t enough. haven’t had the energy to clean it up yet, choosing instead to walk outside occasionally and stare at the mess instead.
I’ve grown accustomed to receiving these lessons from the garden in perfect timing with my life. nature is a beautiful messenger. but I’m tired y’all. it’s not about the work or the money that has been put into our garden that upsets me, it’s the promise of what was to come that now will not. the growth, the fruits, the harvest. I was in it for the long haul, or for this season. and that’s the part that is hardest to let go of. maybe, I’m not just talking about a garden here, it is a lesson after all. but the opportunity is gone. no foundation or preparedness or time can change that this is not the garden that will be growing. I can/will plant seeds again, though maybe not this summer. growth will/is still happening it just isn’t in the places I expected. I do not always want to be this afraid of losing things.
if there’s one thing I have learned from a recent loss it is to find the courage to keep moving. and to let go when I can because I didn’t push the greenhouse over. and I can’t control that it isn’t fixable, though I prayed really hard it would be before opening that greenhouse this morning. crying and feeling like it isn’t fair because I tried really hard, is a normal process. just not a helpful one. it’s okay to stand still around it and let the damage be what it is as long as I clean it up, right? make the messes matter.
I’m aware that the struggle and pain points are just as normal as the happiness and growth. sometimes, I’m forced into this realization. a quick storm with lasting consequences. sometimes, I see it coming and still am not ready. whatever the reason… a new season will come. I’m putting my broom on standby for when the storm finally passes.