how do you explain your hard times when they are more than just a bad day but like, not a super bad day?
last week was heavy but it wasn’t abnormal (for me, I guess) or unmanageable or defining of who I am. though I appreciate all the love & support, y’all are the best, the amount of people who know me personally that have reached out when they don’t normally do so is further evidence of two things…
- I am not alone. regardless of the degree to which people can relate, there are a lot of people I know who have similar experiences or didn’t realize they weren’t the only one with a thinking pattern like mine.
- most people don’t believe you when you say that these things are happening but that you’re really just fine.
for every mood shift or sad thought or moment of clarity that I documented in my mood journaling, I had that thought process a thousand times not just the one I wrote about. that’s my normal. a careful layering of feelings that builds and rearranges like the most empathic game of tetris you’ve ever seen. except, you don’t always see it. I just think you do. if I weren’t explaining it to my friends and family and strangers you probably wouldn’t notice at all. maybe it’s my type one or maybe it’s that I just want people to understand but all the feelings are in there, big big feelings I PROMISE. and I can gladly explain them when called upon. my delivery though… leaves a lot to be desired. like I’ve said before, managing over the last couple years has produced a sort of well functioning but not super loveable personality. it’s not who I am, it’s who I thought I needed to be to seem “normal”.
in an effort to heal, I open up the tender parts. press into the bruise and see what I can handle. i’ll try most things. going out on a limb with the hope of doing better is something I am not afraid of. asking for third and fourth and hundredth chances when necessary. this week, I set some social media boundaries, kept reading a book I started, haven’t been working overtime, cleaned my room, washed my hair two days in a row, put some love into the universe (subtly) just so that person knows its there without any expectation of return. we are all just trying to do our best.
and I know you can’t go backwards or undo what’s been done but I’m allowing myself the time to dive into those moments. let them flash like film clips. when my temper or shortness ruined a place I could have been more gentle, more patient, or more present. remembering that in the little moments I really was/am happy. sitting with my heart and reflecting on all the ways it is loved/loving/will be loved. believing that some people will see or feel that in return even when I can’t quite convey it. and understanding that most won’t even try.
I’m crafting a new normal, again. I have no choice. and that’s okay. it doesn’t matter what that looks like but it feels… fine.