although I took a break from creating posts around the holiday…I did it! I really did it! 100 moments of joy logged between Sept 1st and today. again, I cannot believe this challenge was a success. with a very busy life, and few moments to myself, it can be so difficult to stop & reflect on what I have- let alone write it down. this simple way of enjoying the present has brought a unique perspective to my days; a power in finding purpose. it can be hard sometimes to sit through life’s changes without resisting or questioning the process. that was my challenge this year, I think. moving past the who/what/when/where and digging deeper into the why.
so, I thought the best way to wrap up the last few joyful moments would be to look back on the growth and progress of this year. learning about myself, my family/partner, and a lot about my tiny space in this gigantic world. the prompt… What Did You Learn in 2018? head on over to my list for the full 100 and then indulge me by reading below, through the deeper themes of this year…
- let’s start with… I’m a Type 1 on the Enneagram.
the reformer. a perfectionist. someone who must have their needs met in order to indulge in wants. my desire to be useful, my tendency to justify every move I must make, and the ability to be objective while relying on instinct and rationale. I could talk all day long and into tomorrow about the overwhelming feeling that connections to this type have brought over the last couple months. when I got this personality type as a result, I immediately wanted to take it again. I’ve always been a rather serious person but that isn’t the entirety of who I am and is even less prevalent these day. but my exhausting missions of fairness and purpose have driven me to some pretty unhealthy places in the past and for reasons I wasn’t capable of understanding. but, I’ve been moving slowly through some tough heart stuff lately. trying to learn the purpose of all those years spent reaching for things that would never serve me or my faith. and how to find peace between will and intention. this tool has brought me to a place of forgiveness and grace, for myself and for those I have relationships with. I highly recommend taking the test through The Enneagram Institute and rest assured there will be many more posts about this. * the song lyrics in bold throughout this post are all from the song written specifically for type ones by sleeping at last. this song and I have spent a lot of time together recently.
“the list goes on forever for all the ways I could be better, in my mind. as if I could earn god’s favor given time, or at least congratulations. now, I have learned my lesson; the price of this so-called perfection.”
2. everyone deserves your honesty but not everyone will respect your truth.
this is a big one. probably ties in to #1 also. we are all on this never ending journey to find our truth. we share quotes and read books and find our communities to feel, both, like we are not walking alone and also that we are unique in our position. a nearly impossible paradox but a decent thing to strive for. and I swear the key to finding it is this: practice. because each person I encounter has a level of understanding unlike mine. my obligation to myself is to be open and honest. that’s where control over it ends. I cannot explain things any more than I can make the person understand them; intention goes a long way for a counterpart but it cannot bridge every gap. that’s where letting go of things has been a life saver.
my practice has been one of subtraction this year, an upheaval really. toxic friends and debt and clutter and self-doubt. removing as many of the things that got in the way of my joy as I could. and what I found was that most of those people & things, I did not miss once they were gone. consequently, I found that my truth sat bitterly with a lot of the people I cut out, no matter how strong and honest my reasoning. I learned that it’s okay to move past a situation with a bit of sadness without giving up the truth that brought me to it.
“I’ll hold it all more loosely, and yet somehow much more dearly. ’cause I’ve spent my whole life searching desperately…”
3. the walls I have put up over time, were only meant to hold in the echo of the things I really needed to hear myself.
a punch in the gut. a revelation that I do not have to carry it all. and that there is no great reward for trying to. I am continually working at living this truth. finding a softer, gentler way to go about my relationships, all of them including the one with myself. and in doing so, I’ve realized that loosening up a bit does not make me any less responsible or strong. I’m enjoying this lighter season of life and hopefully 2019 continues to bless me with abundance without such weight because I’m really looking forward to having more fun and trying new things.
“to find out that grace requires nothing of me”… Sleeping at Last/Atlas: One
• thank you to everyone who has followed along over the last few months and sent sweet messages or shared your own moments of joy. it was the perfect way to end the year!