the year of BIG things.

“If I’m gonna tell a real story,

I’m gonna start with my name.”     -Kendrick Lamar

for the past decade, my name has been the most trivial aspect of my self.

trading it instead for mom. or calling sordid acquaintances by it. scribbling it on various paper works.

never has it felt my own or done much at all to describe who I am, who I’ve grown to be.

I had to think about how much my name actually means to me? the answer- not much. I wish it did. I would love to have a legacy denoted by a surname or a deep connection with the meaning behind my first name. other than the last name I share with my children, there’s not much else I like about it- sorry mom.

the way I see it, names are given to us by virtual strangers before we have any history to attribute to them. we spend most of our lives trying to live up to this title. presenting ourselves, name first, in almost every encounter. but what happens when our name is dictated by life not birth, can that be a liberation?

I believe it will be.

in the very near future, I will be divorced. my children’s last name will then be shared with their dad’s new wife. coincidentally, her name is also Stephanie. (trust me, this has gotten a few laughs.) I feel more unsettled about this aspect of the life change than I anticipated. my name will no longer be my own- whether I like it or not.  after struggling with the loss of this connection, I decided to craft a pen name, turned legal name (soon), approved by my littles and this is the place it begins.

when I ended my writing of 2017, on a magical night of poetry and read under my birth name for the last time, it felt like a release of all the topics and token words I had used to make my way through healing, like home and whiskey and ghosts, that seem to have found their way in to every single piece of writing on my old blog. they felt recycled and insincere by the end of this chapter in my life.  the piece I read that night ended with the lines, “I know I am a place to worship, even at my most empty. So, when I look my love and grief in eyes for the last time, full of more stillness than sacrifice, I will finally change my/our name.”

with that, I start 2018 by taking a breath. choosing to live a life full of captured opportunities, gratefulness for what is truly meant for me, and contentment in my own life. sitting in my hard-earned happiness until the words come back to me.

 

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